today
is different
the air caves out a space in my chest
and it feels so soft and so loud

their is absence
and heartbeat
my eyes full and tired
emotions are as wild as a windy day

emotions like these don’t sit down
they rush from heartbreak to happy to memory to still
our family lost someone
we thought couldn’t be lost

grandpa, it is easiest to remember you
as I last saw you, so graceful
your smile as radiant as I’d ever seen it
as you met my baby daughter for the first time

so strong
and yet so frail
your heartbeat so close to the surface
it could be heard a room away

saying our last good-bye
your hand held mine as strong
as the bear hugs
you lifted me up into all of my life

your words
“be very careful, I love you baby”
echo now as they did at the end of every conversation
floating in and out of my day

and I remember late one Thanksgiving
when you told me with love leaking from your words
that you only really slept well when your children
and their children were under your roof

this week the cadence of your words
and the strength of your person
are walking in and out of my being
I let go into my love for you

and it isn’t until I am halfway down my driveway
on my way home from work
that I suddenly stop the car with a start
the thick scent of your pipe smoke is all around me

and I know
that you are here
that my grandfather
wouldn’t leave without one last hug good-bye

copyright – Christina Adler -6 April 2011 – San Mateo, California USA

Photo by Peter Moore- El Centro, California